Fire!

Brian saved a man whose truck was on fire. What did you do today?

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While driving home from the mall this afternoon I was talking to Brian about how sad I feel for the many people out there that need help (this was brought on by being asked for money a couple times at the mall). I was also feeling disappointed that we had not done some kind of service for Christmas like I had hoped to do.

A short time later, as we continued to drive down the freeway, we noticed traffic was being funny off to the right. As I looked to see what was going on I saw someone trying to get on the right shoulder since their truck was on fire. And by saying it was on fire, I mean I could see a lot of flames all along the bottom of the truck.  Brian quickly got us from the far left to the right shoulder, got out of our car and motioned for the truck to pull behind us (I then pulled forward to get Elizabeth and me some distance).  Brian then sprayed the engine down with the fire extinguisher we had in the back of our car. This fire extinguisher he had just purchased for our vehicle on Friday. THREE DAYS AGO!!!

As I watched Brian help put out the fire today, I got very emotional as I remembered those who helped me and my family years ago.  I still vividly remember the time when I was in a vehicle that caught on fire. We were just minutes away from my grandma's house when stopped at a light we saw smoke coming from under the hood of the car. My dad got out and lifted the hood to find flames I remember trying to help my dad find something to put it out with, and also getting my baby sister out of her carseat as quickly as I could then going over to a grassy area beside the road with my baby sister and younger brother as my parents dealt with the fire.  A man from the hotel across the street had brought out a fire extinguisher, and a fire truck also came after a bit.  I will never forget that while I watched and waited with my siblings there was a woman that pulled over and stood next to us. She was so nice and calming, and while we stood there she told me that her husband was a fire fighter.

So I was reminded that you don't always need to have a service all planned and scheduled, but have a serving heart when you see someone in need. I am so grateful for those people that came and helped me and my family years ago, and also grateful to have a husband that is prepared and so willing to help others in need.

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Elizabeth is still disappointed she didn't get to see the fire.

Bald no more

Today a stranger told me they liked my hair, so I guess it's time to share what me hair looks like these days.

I can now make it look like I try to make my hair stick up.

The beginning of August I stopped shaving my head, and let my hair grow back along with Elizabeth's.  Elizabeth's always looked great being baby soft and laying down so nicely.  My hair was a completely different story as it's been growing out.

I loved being bald! No maintenance at all. No washing it, drying it, styling it, or whatever.  As it started to grow it just looked like a boys buzz (which was still low maintenance so I was okay with it).  Then as it got a bit longer I started getting crazy bed head (anyone who know the Stringham family bed head knows what I am talking about). I would often go places with this bed head without realizing it.  I was so used to not having to think about my hair.  I kept thinking, any day it will start laying down, but my hair stubbornly stood straight up.  Finally, it's long enough that with a little styling wax I can play with my hair that sticks straight up.  I now love that it sticks up!

Now about the other reasons why I loved being bald. I loved the 'solidarity' that Elizabeth and I shared. I loved having Elizabeth say that we are twins. I loved that when people saw us they understood that our lives are sometimes hard, but we are in it together.  It was my way to tell the world that along side my daughter, I was fighting too!

Here's a picture to see how well Elizabeth's hair is growing.

See. Sweet, soft and silky.

Mother of the Flower Girl

I am sitting in my seat next to the grooms parents at the front, straining to see if I could catch a glimpse of Elizabeth through the other seated wedding guests. There is too much in the way so I change positions in my seat and look again. Nope. Then I hear a guest behind me laughingly ask, "I wonder who is more nervous?  The bride, or the mother of the flower girl?"  I knew the answer to that one, "The mother of the flower girl."

In the middle of August I was getting ready to leave the bridal shower and the bride takes me aside to ask me if Elizabeth would be a flower girl for her wedding.  The bride is Miriam, who is the fiancé of Dan, who is the cousin of Brian (who is Elizabeth's Daddy, of course).  Elizabeth has never met Miriam and only met Dan once as a baby. But this Dan is the one who upon hearing of Elizabeth's diagnosis last fall, sent Elizabeth a Kindle Fire to help during all the doctor, hospital, and what-not that was to come in the time ahead as she fought the leukemia.

I got so excited by the question of Elizabeth being apart of the wedding party, but didn't want to say yes without talking to Brian and asking Elizabeth.  Since it was going to be Elizabeth's birthday the next day, I thought that would be a perfect day to ask her.  So I checked with Brian the night before, and waited anxiously to ask Elizabeth during her Birthday breakfast the next morning.

Morning came with it's lovely pink birthday celebrations for Elizabeth. I worked to get her birthday breakfast all pink and perfect, and then we settled down to eat.  As we ate I asked Elizabeth if she would like to be a flower girl in the wedding for Miriam and Dan (mentioning to her that Dan was the one that gave her the Kindle Fire).  I then also described what a flower girl did.  She surprised me with her answer.

After my description of what she would do as a flower girl, she quickly responded that I could be the flower girl, and she would be the photographer to take pictures.  After a bit more talking with her she decided to be the flower girl, and I could take pictures of her in her flower girl dress.  That sounded perfect to me.

During the next month talk of the wedding and flower girl stuff was plentiful.  Elizabeth loved going dress shopping, quickly choosing her accessories, and then finding a dress to go with them.  She was especially excited about her 'high heels.'  She was constantly asking, "Is today the wedding?"  "Is [Grandma, Bapa, etc.] going to the wedding?"  She loved talking about her 'cinderella dress,' 'high heels,' head wreath, and purse.  She was looking for rose petals and cutting up paper to throw on the ground as she walked to practice for the wedding.  And then the day before the wedding she woke up with this question, "Is today the wedding?" And was so disappointed that it wasn't, but it was the day of the rehearsal.

At the rehearsal that afternoon Elizabeth was shy, and I was getting nervous.  She did not want to rehearse, and instead clung to Daddy's neck for comfort.  I really wanted this to work for her since she spent all month talking about it in great anticipation, but there wasn't nearly as many people at the rehearsal as there would be at the wedding.  Luckily, she did have the opportunity later that night to warm up to the wedding party.

After the rehearsal, the wedding party headed to a restaurant.  While here Elizabeth was able to fill her belly, and then make friends.  The best thing that loosened her up was when she joined into the little game that was going around the tables.  Throughout the night the wedding party were throwing sugar packets at each other.  Elizabeth caught on quickly, and had a great time making friends with those she threw sugar packets at.  I think we are doomed for now on if we take her to a restaurant that has any sugar packets on the tables.  If you get pelted by a stray sugar packet at a restaurant someday, you may find us at a table nearby.

The next thing I know, it is the day of the wedding.  We had a relaxing morning, I made sure Elizabeth takes a nap, and then it's time to get her dressed.  She is so excited that as soon as she can she rushes down to find Daddy to show off her dress.  Then it is time to get in place.

I quickly run upstairs to grab one last accessory for Elizabeth.  This was a special pearl necklace that Brian gave to me on our wedding day.  As I put it around Elizabeth's neck I tell her how special it is, and then add that it would help her to be brave while she was the flower girl.  I then had to leave her with Brian and rush off to find my seat.

When it was Elizabeth's turn to come down the aisle she did beautifully.  I felt a little teary as I watched her walk purposefully down the aisle and followed my instructions.  She took her duty as the flower girl seriously as she gently grabbed petals and watched them fall to the ground.  Towards the end she turned back to find out were the bride was.  She knew that she was throwing the petals for the bride to walk on.

It was so sweet to see my little girl once again tackle something new and intimidating. I had nothing to be nervous about.  Not only did Elizabeth do her duties as a flower girl, she did it better and more beautifully than I could have every imagined.  She once again showed me her bravery, persistence, and love of the experiences life has to offer.

Why it's hard to do posts

I am hoping to finally catch up on Elizabeth's blog from this last month.  I've been busy, but that isn't the only reason why I haven't gotten it done before now.

You see, this last month a lot happened. It included a lot of changes.  It included a lot of lasts, and goodbyes. It's very emotional for me to look back on the pictures and see what I left over 2,000 miles away. People and places that I have grown to love over the 5 years I lived in Michigan.  Tears come to my eyes even after doing only one simple post.  I forecast many tears being shed in the next while. But I would rather cry because I found so many things I love in Michigan, than not have found anything in the 5 years for me to love enough to miss.

Operation 'Bald US'

It was October, just within a few days (or less) since we found out Elizabeth had cancer, and I had gone home by myself for the first time since we took Elizabeth to the ER.  While I was at home I found I had more tears to cry as I pondered the concept that my little girl had cancer, and what all that meant for her.  During these thoughts one of the things that came up was hair loss. My daughter was going to lose her hair. This is when I came up with a plan that brought me some peace, determination, and some sense of control at a time when I felt I had no control in this situation.

My decision. I had firmly decided to donate my hair.  All of it.

When Elizabeth lost her hair, I would shave my hair off.  Elizabeth liked it when we matched; clothes, hairstyle (usually ponytails were involved), nails, etc.  Shaving my hair off after she lost her hair would let Elizabeth and I be able to be twiners, match, look the same.

This is something I really looked forward to doing during all of the many months of Elizabeth's treatment.  We all thought she would lose her hair quickly within the first months of treatment, but her hair hung on much longer.

Now, fast forward about seven months.  It's May and Elizabeth loses her hair.

When Elizabeth's hair fell out, I started talking to her about the possibility for me cutting off all of my hair.  I didn't want to surprise her with it since it was something I was doing for her, as well as me.  So I asked her if she wanted me to cut all my hair off to be like hers.  She said no. So, I didn't.

After Elizabeth's hair loss, she became attached to my hair.  She loved to play with my hair and brush it a lot.  More than she used too.  I knew I could not take that away from her.

I felt sad that I wasn't going to be able to do what I had decided to do, but I was okay.

Fast forward, again. It's now sometime in this last week.

Elizabeth is playing with some of Brian's tools and asks me if she can cut my hair.  I say yes, but not with those.  She followed me into the bathroom and gets a couple squares of toilet paper, and then puts it onto my head. After seeing the white of the paper on my head she declares that my hair is cut.  This is when I realize that she hasn't been playing or brushing my hair as much.  Maybe she will be okay with me cutting off all of my hair.  I start to get excited, and talk to her about the possibility.  Elizabeth was up for the idea of cutting off Mommy's hair.

It's the fourth of July.  We are in the hospital with no sure idea when Elizabeth will be discharged.  Brian is leaving in just a couple days to fly to California for a couple weeks.  The doctor does not want to give Elizabeth a Leave of Absence for the parade.  So, how do we decide to celebrate Independence Day?  I decided that it was as good of a time as any to cut my hair off.  I was going to get independence from hair on Independence Day!

We invited our friends, Sam and Amanda, as well as my uncle and aunt, Kyle and Erin to join us in the small hospital room for this big day.

I was feeling so excited, but also a little scared that I would look funny.  Elizabeth looks so beautiful bald, could I possible look ok bald too?  But I was ready to move forward and do this thing!

After it was all done I felt wonderful! I do not regret this decision one bit!!!

(Photos by Amanda Voyle)

(Only photo by me since we needed a picture of Amanda, our wonderful photographer of the night)

The curling iron

While Elizabeth was playing in the hospital playroom she found a play curling iron. After picking it up she reached to grab her hair a few times to 'curl' it, but only came up with a few strands. She then simply put it down and moved on. She knows about her hair falling out, but she hasn't seen herself in a mirror this week. I wonder how she will react to see that it is practically all gone.

As I watched her grasp for her hair that is no longer there, I got really emotional. I had to fight back the tears since I really did not want Elizabeth to become upset about her hair because of me. I know she is still adorable without hair, it is just a big and fast change, and a very visual reminder that Elizabeth is fighting cancer.

My Struggle with Decadron

Decadron (or Dexamethasone) is the steroid that Elizabeth has to take as part of her treatment. Decadron is great that it may kill some cancer cells, and increases the effectiveness of other chemotherapy drugs as well as help raise the immune system. I am grateful for all that it does in treating Elizabeth's leukemia, but there are side effects that are hard.

Of all the drugs Elizabeth takes she has the most side effects from Decadron.  The side effects that Elizabeth is experiencing include an increase in appetite, difficulty sleeping, red cheeks, headache, red hands, weight gain, puffy cheeks, muscle weakness, less able to deal with stress, irritability, personality changes, mood swings, fatigue, and it may be causing the bone pain.  Some of these are not very bad, but some of these side effects are a real struggle to deal with. Because of all the side effects Decadron is my least favorite of all the drugs Elizabeth has to take, and it's not even chemo.

Dealing with Elizabeth's emotions while she is on Decadron is the hardest part.  She becomes very emotional about lots of things, quickly getting angry and sad.  She wants me to be the one to do everything for her (get her food, change her diaper, tuck her in, carry her, etc.), not even letting Brian do things for her a lot of the time. She gets very upset at others, yelling, hitting, saying she doesn't like them, etc. She wants things done her way and really does not like being told no.  When she gets upset it can be hours of working to calm her down.

As I have described some of this to other people, they have casually stated something like, "Sounds like a normal three year old." Honestly, that is hard to hear. It is not normal. If you have experienced it with your own child being on Decadron for more than a week, then we can discuss whether or not it is normal.  Dr. Gera has seen Elizabeth on and off the Decadron, and she knows this isn't normal Elizabeth. It was so nice to have her turn to me, the other day while we were in the hospital, and ask if I was going to be able to be relieved for a time.  She understood how much of a burden it is taking care of Elizabeth with her Decadron emotions.  It's not that I don't love Elizabeth, because I do love her very much that I want to be able to have the strength to care for her. It's so draining, and sometimes I need to replenish myself to be able to continue to care for her, but doing that is hard at times.  This last week there have been nights that I have been up with Elizabeth and just broke down crying. I look forward to having the side effects of the Decadron fade away.

project 52 | five

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I love when Elizabeth and I sit down together and each lose ourselves in our individual pieces of artwork.  I love that this is a passion that I can share with her.  Playing with mixing colors, different brush strokes, sometimes doing finger painting, etc.  I love it!  I have such a feeling of freedom when I let my brush dance along the paper, adding vibrant colors & life to the white pages in front of me.

project 52 | four

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I have been wanting to find ways to make cleaning not quite so tedious for me, and I think I found something to help.  On Monday I asked Elizabeth if she wanted to help me, and she was thrilled to help.  She kept asking me for new dishes to wash, other places that needed to be wiped down.  Having her enthusiasm was such a great way to clean.  We got all the cleaning for Mondays done, and had plenty of time to play after.

project 52 | three

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One day Elizabeth spilled some sequins on our living room floor.  By the next day they spread throughout our place.  As I walked through the living room the day after the spill, the sun was shining through the windows and reflected so beautifully off of the sequins spread around.  It made me stop and smile.  I loved it!  It certainly brightened my mood.